this post was inspired by a song i discovered on 25th august 2022, "ruriiro no chikyuu (azure planet earth)" which was sung by aoi teshima (i love her so much) 

youtube link to the song | lyrics to the song | spotify link to the song

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hi, it's me. the coward.

"how are you?" this question keeps lingering in my mind for as long as i remember. 
always wondering how you were doing but never, ever took the initiative to reach out. 
though assuming from the limits of what i saw and witness, you're doing just fine. just fine. 
why am i so worried? who am i to be worried? 

the height of my ego is really tall isn't it? it's so damn tall even i am frustrated towards it. 
tell me, what should i do? you've always known and listened to my frustrations. 
will you tell me? 

forget about me. today is all about you. 
you. 
a divine human being with a lovely soul, yet misunderstood. 
a selfless, kind-hearted, bright souled person, yet took for granted. 
a person that means the world to me, yet i never have the right way to show it. 

but it's okay, without me, you're still a selfless, kind hearted, bright souled, divine human being with a lovely soul that i've always known. however could i be so foolish to look at the downsides rather than the million things you've done for me and with me? 

may today be another day full of happiness, joy and warmth from the people that you love. may today be kind to you as you are to the people that you love. may the people around you always look at you lovingly and treat you with utmost care. for everything you've been through and for everything you had to face, you deserve all the kindness, more than this world can even offer. thank you for being one of the most important part of my life, for being the most important person in my life, to this day.

so much more to say yet it will take hours to convey. 
so much more to say yet i will make a fool of myself.
so i will just simply say, 
happy birthday, i love you for who you are and i love you for Him 
and from the bottom of my heart, i am sorry.

I entered 2018 without much hope or expectations. I didn't know what to expect nor anything to look forward to. 'just another year where I'll become a failure.' is what I thought.

but boy, was I wrong. I bloomed, slowly, slowly, I bloomed.
sure, I have my downfalls, lots of them. it's life, right? what is life without it? but I learnt to learn from all my downfalls.

I made a reckless decision once, or, well, lots of times, without thinking deeply about it, I let it slide. I let it eat me whole again. I let it control myself again. it almost tore me apart again, it was on the verge of breaking me again, but I learnt to finally let go and move forward. it hurts but I could do it, and I felt free. I'm happy that I could.

but while I lost something, I received something even better. far better than what I wanted. I'm thankful. it sparked some hope inside me. maybe there is something worth living for in this world, after all, is what I thought.

along with it, I begin to learn lots of stuff.
about overcoming my insecurities and my traumas; it's still haunting me up to this day but I'm trying my best to move forward from it, still.
being assertive about my own feelings; not swallowing it whole and not letting people step on me.
communicating effectively; in terms of my feelings and also something as simple as asking the store assistant a question or asking a cosplayer if I could take a picture with them hahaha
and so much more.

I'm still struggling to let go of my bad habits and actually practice doing good little habits. still trying, still trying.

I guess I could say, this thing that I received is the biggest highlight of my 2018. I received hope, it feels warm just like the sun.

knowing myself, I get really attached to people, and even if they've proven how I shouldn't hold on, I still choose to do so. but now I know better, and I'm ready to let go of them next year. I won't let anyone stop me from trying to love myself and to be better than who I am. I'm sorry.

I used to believe that I have the ability to save everyone. but in reality, it's hard to do that when I have yet to save myself. I can be kind to everyone, but there's a limit to everything. at the end of the day, I still need to collect pieces of myself from everything and make myself whole again.

without a doubt, this year has been the most impactful year of my life. so many things I wanted to happen, happened but also so many major things I never predicted to happen, happened, whether it was good or bad. I guess all of it came to teach me a lesson, some lessons I have never learnt in previous years.

and I just hope that next year, I'll be able to grow out of it, out of all whatever happened in 2018, the good, the bad, everything. and most importantly, I want to be a better person. for people around me, for myself and especially for Allah.

Aamiin.

and to you who's reading this: you've done really well this year. you are so strong and I believe that you are capable of doing so many. I have faith in you. you're growing so much, and you've grown so much compared to last year. give yourself a hug <3 you deserve it. and here's a virtual hug for you too *hugs* :)

to being better than our past self, folks. let's do this.

words or actions?
which do you think hurts more?

a dear friend (and a kakak) of mine posted a poll on this question and it hit me that I've never thought about it so after seeing this question, I thought and thought to myself about it and couldn't come up with an answer, so I asked her if I could post the same question on my Instagram story. (she's one of the few people I love discussing in depth about things like this which means a lot to me and she's very very important to me 😌)

I've gotten a few dms from people telling me about their opinions and I also discussed about it with my sister and my mum.

and I tried to gather what people have told me and I think I've got an answer for it. I think...
well, here is my opinion;

to me, I think words hurt more. at first, I thought both of them equally hurt, depending on the situation.

but think about it, people tend to believe words a lot. we can't deny that hope and wishes are made through other people's words. even if you're not the type to believe in people's words that much, you have to admit that you lowkey put hope in it. so to me, it's words that are giving hope to people in the first place and when their actions contradicts with their words, thus it will hurt FROM THE RESULT of THEM putting hope in WORDS in the first place.

another example that I can give that made me believe that words hurt more than actions is for instance, a person is really really angry thus they will use curse words and shout and insult etc etc... do they mean all these things they said? maybe. maybe not.

you see, I believe that people can fake words and sometimes they will say something that they don't mean and it will make other people hurt when they know the truth because they have put hope and put their trust in it. meanwhile people don't usually fake their actions and an action shows so much about a person's personality, habits etc so people are usually honest with their actions so it hurts less to know the truth from their actions rather than a lie from sweet words. (this is what I think, idk man)

so in conclusion, I believe words hurt more than actions. at least up to this point, I believe so.

so what can we take away from this discussion? from this answer?

well, first of all, always mean what you say.
don't lie to yourself and don't lie to other people either. when you compliment something or someone, always pour your heart out with it. mean it. mean it wholeheartedly. when you say I love you, always mean it. don't say it out of habit or say it just because you feel bad. mean what you say. put your whole damn heart in everything you say.

second of all, when you make promises, try your utmost best to fulfill it. no matter what. you have given hope and trust to them by promising them something so fulfill it and if you can't, no matter how much you've tried to do so, don't leave them hanging. tell them nicely.

third, use kind words, always. avoid yourself from cursing. always say nice things to people, no matter who it is. tell them to 'have a nice day!' or compliment their cute hat or tell them their new hairstyle looks great. kind words mean a lot to people even if it seems trivial, but it does. even if you're fighting or in bad terms, use kind words when negotiating. don't throw curse words or harsh sentences at them. be kind, always.

other than all of these, we musn't put our hopes and trust too much in other people's words. be moderate with our feelings and know that they are human, sometimes they dont mean the words they say and sometimes they wont fulfill what they say they're going to do. so in order to avoid yourself from getting hurt too much, always put this in your mindset, but dont despise them.

but even so, always be mindful and be careful of what you say.
words are like daggers; piercing.

here is the result of two weeks of thinking and worrying about the same thing:

sacrifices are hard to make.
especially when it comes to the things that we want so badly.
but when the sacrifice has to be made, how truly strong are we to face the feelings we will feel along with the sacrifice that will be made?

what would you do if you happen to meet someone who has made so much sacrifices, it breaks them?
it's as if their happiness are being sucked out from them and are being spread to the people they care about and they will absorb all the sadness from those people.

so if that happens, is the sacrifice really worth doing?

I happen to meet a lot of people who have sacrificed a lot.
meeting and having these people in my life makes me think a lot about myself and gives me so much mixed feelings;
sad that I can't make them happy,
disappointed with myself because comparing myself tot hem, I'm just really crappy as a person
and so many other overwhelming thoughts that I can't put into words.
and these people happen to be some of the people I truly treasure. let alone even the people closest to us, like our mums and dads, have sacrificed a lot for us.

I'd think to myself:
what can I do to make these people happy?
what can I do to repay the sacrifice that they made for me?
can't I do anything? am I really this pathetic?

if you have done as much as you can, it's enough. you're enough.
make sure that with the sacrifices they made for you, use it well. show them your gratitude by being happy in their sacrifice.
I believe that it's also a two way thing.
we shouldn't take advantage of it, and do as we please.
repay them. be kind to them. make sure that they are as happy as you are.
they've done this much for you.
so why not repay them by doing something big for them too?
something that will not just give temporary happiness, but eternally.

doa.
put them in your doa.
say their name in your doa.
with those doa of yours, without noticing, it's because of your doa that they are still able to go through a day well. they are still able to still smile and laugh. they are still able to live and help others. what they are doing is a part of your doa too. and this seemingly trivial thing means a lot to me, knowing that one doa can may give a tiny or a big effect but could mean so so much if noticed.
and at this moment I realize that a doa is so powerful. I could see it now.

let's move on to another point of view...

say, you've sacrificed a lot.
your feelings, your time, your desires, your emotions...
you're doing this with goodwill; to make the people you love happy.

ask yourself: are you tired? is it worth it? are you happy?

yes I understand, by sacrificing these things, you're thinking optimistically. you're probably thinking that something good will happen to you in the future, in return of what you're doing, you believe in Allah, The Most Merciful.

and I believe that to be a beautiful trait.
to do so much for others and believe that Allah will reward you. to think so optimistically like that.
it's a truly beautiful trait.

I believe that just by seeing those people who you've made sacrifices for happy, that thing is already making you happy. the sense of fulfillment and joy will come lingering in your heart just by witnessing that.
and I believe that if you genuinely feel like this, you are truly, truly amazing.

but what if the sacrifices you made is making you sad?
ask yourself what truly is your intention in doing all of this?
surely deep down, you must want to make others happy too. but are you overdoing it?

I believe that taking care of others' feelings and making them happy is a wonderful thing to do and it is so rare to find people like that nowadays. but remember your worth as well. you are just as important as the people you cherish so much. your happiness matters just as much as other people's happiness. so it is important that you take care of yourself too, just as much as how you are taking care of others. it is important to value and love yourself, just as much as you value and love others too.

people may make you happy, people may make you sad.
people can give you words of encouragements, motivation, reassurance.
but who is the one that is capable of changing our mindset? our feelings? our perspective?
only we, ourselves can do that.
only YOU can do that for YOURSELF.
making dua is a form of your effort in trying to change for the better as well.
with ALLAH's help, anything is possible, my friend.
never underestimate the power of Allah. never ever.
and never underestimate your own strength too.
even if you believe that you are weak,
deep inside,
I know,
you are strong.
so so strong.

never ever get tired of asking for His help.
doa, doa, doa
do so many doas it will leave you breathless, but in a good way.
because He is Al-Wahhab and Al-Razzaq.

surprises are always creeping on us in every corner and every nook of the paths of our lives.