hi there. assalamualaikum. before I begin, just a disclaimer that all of my blog posts and my writings are written specifically for me. it’s me having a conversation with myself. it’s me sending a message to myself. I’m sorry if you can’t relate to it or if your opinion and thoughts differ to mine, I just needed a platform to let it out without having to burden anyone with it, feel free to share with me your opinions or feedback if you want :) I don’t mind.
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a few days ago, I encountered someone I used to be close with. time stood still for a while and after a few seconds, I was back in reality, but my mind was noisy.
way back then, I love to use the word “toxic” to refer to people who have done me wrong in various ways, emotionally, mentally or physically. all of the people I’d cut off or I couldn’t cut off because of some reasons, but still did me wrong, will be labeled as “toxic” by me.
but now, I want to avoid using that word. occasionally, I like to travel in the train of my past and think about my past decisions, my past actions, my past words and me as a whole, in the past. in the train of deep thought, sometimes I’d found out that I have done a lot of mistakes towards these people or maybe I haven’t, but I wasn’t matured enough or grew much to actually realise it and think about who I am.
I also think about these people and what kind of mistakes they did to me that I grew to hate so much to the point that I call them “toxic.” some might be bad, some might be minor. but the things they did that I think about the most, are the happy times and happy memories we built together or went through together. sooner or later I realise it now, these people made me happy at one point. these people were there for me during my hard times at one point. these people helped me when I was in need at one point. they were everything to me at one point. man, the damn audacity I have to call them “toxic” :joy:
to be honest, I hate that word now. the word is being used everywhere by so many people to label others nowadays. not by me. not anymore.
I still talk to some of these people I used to call “toxic” and I don’t talk to the rest of these people anymore and we have turned into complete strangers now.
there are still some traits I despise about some of these people that I still talk to that they still show and may not have realise, but I won’t let my guard down nor I let it take over me now. unable to be assertive and confronting to them about it, I decided that I won’t be as close with them as I was with them anymore. I won't let them get involved with my personal business anymore. I’d like to think of it as “self care” rather than “deleting toxic people out of my life.” despite this, they still have some good traits I admire and I decide to focus on that instead. who knows, maybe they realise it and decide to change for the better? then I’ll pray for them and help as much as I can.
about the rest of the people I’ve turned strangers with, I’ll pray for them and I would like to think that they’re trying to change for the better too. if they succeed, I’m so happy and proud of them. I mean, I have the right to be proud of them right? if they don’t, then I hope they’ll never give up and I hope they’ll be able to think optimistically through it all. I’ll believe in them, just like how I did back then.
I may not want these people in my life anymore but if something ever happens to them and they ask for me specifically to help them, I would be glad and happy to do so. I genuinely hope for them to be happy and content with who they are and their current lives.
because of them and the people who are in my life now, I’m able to think more about myself and what I’m doing, to people, to everything around me and to myself too. they’ve all inspired me in their own ways and I’m thankful for that. I get to acknowledge my own “toxic” traits and now I’m trying to slowly change it. slowly but surely. insyaAllah.
—————————————————————------------------------------------------------------------- - - - - - - -
a few days ago, I encountered someone I used to be close with. time stood still for a while and after a few seconds, I was back in reality, but my mind was noisy.
way back then, I love to use the word “toxic” to refer to people who have done me wrong in various ways, emotionally, mentally or physically. all of the people I’d cut off or I couldn’t cut off because of some reasons, but still did me wrong, will be labeled as “toxic” by me.
but now, I want to avoid using that word. occasionally, I like to travel in the train of my past and think about my past decisions, my past actions, my past words and me as a whole, in the past. in the train of deep thought, sometimes I’d found out that I have done a lot of mistakes towards these people or maybe I haven’t, but I wasn’t matured enough or grew much to actually realise it and think about who I am.
I also think about these people and what kind of mistakes they did to me that I grew to hate so much to the point that I call them “toxic.” some might be bad, some might be minor. but the things they did that I think about the most, are the happy times and happy memories we built together or went through together. sooner or later I realise it now, these people made me happy at one point. these people were there for me during my hard times at one point. these people helped me when I was in need at one point. they were everything to me at one point. man, the damn audacity I have to call them “toxic” :joy:
to be honest, I hate that word now. the word is being used everywhere by so many people to label others nowadays. not by me. not anymore.
I still talk to some of these people I used to call “toxic” and I don’t talk to the rest of these people anymore and we have turned into complete strangers now.
there are still some traits I despise about some of these people that I still talk to that they still show and may not have realise, but I won’t let my guard down nor I let it take over me now. unable to be assertive and confronting to them about it, I decided that I won’t be as close with them as I was with them anymore. I won't let them get involved with my personal business anymore. I’d like to think of it as “self care” rather than “deleting toxic people out of my life.” despite this, they still have some good traits I admire and I decide to focus on that instead. who knows, maybe they realise it and decide to change for the better? then I’ll pray for them and help as much as I can.
about the rest of the people I’ve turned strangers with, I’ll pray for them and I would like to think that they’re trying to change for the better too. if they succeed, I’m so happy and proud of them. I mean, I have the right to be proud of them right? if they don’t, then I hope they’ll never give up and I hope they’ll be able to think optimistically through it all. I’ll believe in them, just like how I did back then.
I may not want these people in my life anymore but if something ever happens to them and they ask for me specifically to help them, I would be glad and happy to do so. I genuinely hope for them to be happy and content with who they are and their current lives.
because of them and the people who are in my life now, I’m able to think more about myself and what I’m doing, to people, to everything around me and to myself too. they’ve all inspired me in their own ways and I’m thankful for that. I get to acknowledge my own “toxic” traits and now I’m trying to slowly change it. slowly but surely. insyaAllah.
