I entered 2018 without much hope or expectations. I didn't know what to expect nor anything to look forward to. 'just another year where I'll become a failure.' is what I thought.

but boy, was I wrong. I bloomed, slowly, slowly, I bloomed.
sure, I have my downfalls, lots of them. it's life, right? what is life without it? but I learnt to learn from all my downfalls.

I made a reckless decision once, or, well, lots of times, without thinking deeply about it, I let it slide. I let it eat me whole again. I let it control myself again. it almost tore me apart again, it was on the verge of breaking me again, but I learnt to finally let go and move forward. it hurts but I could do it, and I felt free. I'm happy that I could.

but while I lost something, I received something even better. far better than what I wanted. I'm thankful. it sparked some hope inside me. maybe there is something worth living for in this world, after all, is what I thought.

along with it, I begin to learn lots of stuff.
about overcoming my insecurities and my traumas; it's still haunting me up to this day but I'm trying my best to move forward from it, still.
being assertive about my own feelings; not swallowing it whole and not letting people step on me.
communicating effectively; in terms of my feelings and also something as simple as asking the store assistant a question or asking a cosplayer if I could take a picture with them hahaha
and so much more.

I'm still struggling to let go of my bad habits and actually practice doing good little habits. still trying, still trying.

I guess I could say, this thing that I received is the biggest highlight of my 2018. I received hope, it feels warm just like the sun.

knowing myself, I get really attached to people, and even if they've proven how I shouldn't hold on, I still choose to do so. but now I know better, and I'm ready to let go of them next year. I won't let anyone stop me from trying to love myself and to be better than who I am. I'm sorry.

I used to believe that I have the ability to save everyone. but in reality, it's hard to do that when I have yet to save myself. I can be kind to everyone, but there's a limit to everything. at the end of the day, I still need to collect pieces of myself from everything and make myself whole again.

without a doubt, this year has been the most impactful year of my life. so many things I wanted to happen, happened but also so many major things I never predicted to happen, happened, whether it was good or bad. I guess all of it came to teach me a lesson, some lessons I have never learnt in previous years.

and I just hope that next year, I'll be able to grow out of it, out of all whatever happened in 2018, the good, the bad, everything. and most importantly, I want to be a better person. for people around me, for myself and especially for Allah.

Aamiin.

and to you who's reading this: you've done really well this year. you are so strong and I believe that you are capable of doing so many. I have faith in you. you're growing so much, and you've grown so much compared to last year. give yourself a hug <3 you deserve it. and here's a virtual hug for you too *hugs* :)

to being better than our past self, folks. let's do this.